Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Closed on Sunday's

'No eating or drinking on the premisis.'

Oh my gentle Jesus.

Without getting into the whys and the wherefores of my approximation to this dose of broken English - let's call it an office in some outsourced version of hell - it gave me great comfort and I texted herself immediately. If you think I'm pernickety...

"Get off that premisis, you might fall into the abiss," came the response and I chuckled among the sickly faces, the form fillers and the Casual Fridays.

The times are lean enough without students to admonish and corrections to turn red, so I figured if I became a sign fixer for twenty euro a pop I wouldn't have to ration out the Special K quite so frugally, I would not need to rewash and recycle those J-clothes to within an inch of their tattered lives.

A sign fixer, yes. A rediscoverer of absent apostrophes, a restorer of reputation to the businesses that really ought to know better, a quieter of pedantic bastards like myself who love nothing more than to frown on the stupidity of others. A good career.

"He was a fine man, he knew his plurals from his possessives and he was fondly thought of because of it."

The worst I ever saw came a couple of years ago. There I was, reciting the Greek alphabet to myself on a sunny Sunday on St. Stephen's Green when I double took like I've never double taken before.

"What the fuck?" I what the fucked to myself.

"Ah here, ah Jaysus..." and I took a picture to prove how I'm far cleverer than a billboard.

Shanahan's restaurant, that place of quality moo for a small remortgage, had a sign in its window, white on black, that would have had my grandfather spitting and blinding at The Irish Times' letters page.

"We are closed on Sunday's."

I will do it, please let me do it, please let me fix up Dublin's typographical errors for a small fee, a daily lunch allowance, the price of a red pen and a brand new stick of literary justice. I will not let anyone down.

17 comments:

Niamho said...

Teehee... nice!

Radge said...

Thanks Niamho!

Hestiasheart said...

Love it!! Your highered! (That hurt me more than it hurt you)

Radge said...

The highered I can deal with, but the...

I think it hurt me more.

This Limbo said...

A fine occupation for any man.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a pedant.

Radge said...

Feck it, it's going on the CV.

canine letters said...

' : " ; - !

Radge said...

Typical.

Kitty Cat said...

I would gladly design business cards for your new venture, free of charge. You'd be like a grammar superhero.

Holemaster said...

Wasn't there a chap somewhere who went around fixing grammatical errors and the like?

There was...

http://greattypohunt.com/?page_id=23

You could open an Irish franchise.

Gypseysdog said...

This blog was a total rip-off of Eats Shoots and Leaves. Shame on you Mister.

Gypseysdog said...

But I'll take it as a coincidence because I love you, and you probably haven't read that book.
It's an annoying book anyway.

Hestiasheart said...

I woke in the night in a fever. "What if they don't get the joke? What if they think I don't know my your from my you're?" "Their, they're" i told myself. "It's not like they'll think you spell weird all wierd or you think you loose when you don't win" No wonder i slept in this morning!!

Radge said...

Kitty Cat - I shall be in touch.

Holemaster - Suddenly my work situation is looking up, and I haven't even opened that link yet.

5X - Let me reciprocate with ardour. And no, I haven't read that book so the views expressed herein are those of the author and not related, in any way, to outside... Jesus I'd love a pint.

HH - Fear not, they're all in on it. My blog is reserved solely for those that get it.

goldmaster said...

What a stupid tipo when everyone knows they close on monday's.

Kath Lockett said...

....and maybe I could do the same here in Geneva.

It's either that or clean toilets seeing as I can barely cope with speaking English....

Radge said...

Kath - Looks to be a bit of a struggle over there, just caught myself up. The culture shock will fade.

And I hope you found the wallet.