I sent my sister an email earlier, I thought I'd colour her day with some of my purple prose. Well, not purple prose, as such, but the details of a new sitcom starring our friend with the God complex from across the water.
'One And A Half Radge.'
In this ribald tale of one man's journey through life, Mr. Sheen plays my good self in a series of elongated stories from my time on this Earth.
-Like the time Joan Collins delivered me a Four Star Pizza while doing research for a part in a James Woods-scripted mini series called 'Eight Slices Of Life.'
-Like the time I went around the pubs of Glasnevin to show off a perfectly preserved snot in the shape of Martin McGuinness's head.
-Like the time I owned up to my mam about mitching off school with Angeline Ball from The Commitmentettes.
-Like the time myself and Fitzbollix were so drunk we thought we were pissing up a wall. We were, in fact, pissing on a statue of Julie Andrews having sex with Ronan Keating.
-Like the time I accidentally elbowed Cilla Black in the nuts, before being kicked out of Coppers.
-Like the time I jelly wrestled with Brian Kerr, John Ritter and LaToya Jackson. Funny story actually...
-Like the time I commissioned Larry David to write a sitcom about Aaron Sorkin writing a drama about George Romero directing a horror based on my six years with the Jesuits on Great Denmark Street, before things got far too complicated and we shut up shop.
-Like the time I ran out of things to say and employed Gerry Adams' unemployed voiceover artist to do my talking for me in a stern Nordie brogue.
Yep, it's going to be good. And for those of you wondering why it'll be called 'One And A Half Radge,' it's partially as a paean to Sheen's last day job, and partially because I figured the midget from 'In Bruges' would make a deadly narrator.