1) You watch 35 minutes of Fearne Cotton meets Mischa Barton.
2) You don't laugh at Fawlty Towers, the one with David Kelly in it.
3) You get a Chinese even though you've just spent 50 quid on groceries.
4) You crave the sweet release of death.
5) You let the dishes pile up in the sink, unwashed, because you never let the dishes pile up in the sink, unwashed.
6) You hallucinate the presence of Bobby Davro in your sitting room.
7) You do that revolting snot hocking thing that so disgusts you normally.
8) You open the blinds bollock naked, forgetting an entire office block surrounds your bedroom.
9) You substitute your evening Budvar for an evening Blackcurrant Lemsip, which surely should be called Blacksip. Or something catchier.
10) You can't muster the will to kick something every time Maxi Rodriguez appears on the screen, being present yet utterly anonymous.
11) You find yourself agreeing with Top Top's football punditry.
12) You have no interest in seeing what the fancy sort in the apartment opposite is up to.
13) You take a bath with eucalyptus-infused bath salts, which prove utterly inconsequential.
14) You wear the same pair of tracksuit bottoms for three days in a row, ignoring the funk beneath.
15) You throw half the curry out.
16) You start mainlining Olbas Oil.
17) You tell people on the phone you only have a headcold when you're pretty sure you're on the way out, because you want to appear stoic. You bristle at the term man flu. (Turns out you only have a headcold.)
18) You write lists. Lots of lists. You like lists. You shun narrative.
19) You watch your first episode of EastEnders in roughly ten years.
20) You get to twenty and you run out of breath.