Thursday, July 01, 2010

The helpline

The internet went down today. Horrific scenes of hair pulling, or at least there would have been if I had any to pull, followed by the kicking of presses, the sweats, the hallucinations, the cramps, the crying and the call to the Vodafone helpline.

Shower of bastards.

The call started off by telling me that they'd changed their helpline number to the one I'd just called, before asking me to choose from a menu of 174 options.

I pressed 5 and waited. That voice again.

"Thank you for choosing Landline And Fixed Broadband services. Did you know that you can update your price plan by..."

I put it on speaker phone while I searched for my pills.

Then, eventually, more fucking options.

"If you wish to talk about price plans, press one. For billing, press two. For technical issues, press three."

I pressed three.

"Thank you for choosing technical issues. If you are having difficulty setting your modem, press one. If you are currently looking for something to choke, press two. If you are experiencing connectivity issues, press three."

Three.

"Thank you for..." oh for the love of FUCK.

Finally, my credit bleeding to dry, it gave me the option of talking to an operator or, in this case, listening to something by Mozart while I thought about getting a little bit stabby. For seven minutes. Seven long minutes before the voice, THAT voice, came on again.

"We cannot connect your call at this time." Then the engaged tone, then nothing, nothing but my shaking and foetal remains on the floor.

8 comments:

hope said...

I feel your pain. I just played the seventh level of phone circle hell a few moments ago. I don't know which was more annoying: SO many options or that stupid, condescending female voice which kept saying, "I'm sorry. I didn't hear that correctly. Please try again."

By the time I got to a human, I was feeling less than one myself. Hang in there pal!

Meadow said...

I read 'connectivity tissues.'

Which should be provided free of charge, to mop our tears of frustration while trying to get connected to a person on those feckin' things.

Good luck...

Dot-Com said...

At least the voice allowed you to press the options. Even worse when you have to say them out loud, only to be corrected by the voice who clearly didn't understand you!

Radge said...

Hope and Dot-Com - Thankfully that particular step hasn't made it Ireland-wards yet. It's all about the buttons.

Meadow - I misread your 'Connectivity tissues' as 'connectivity issues' and hadn't a foggy notion what you meant. I get it now, and I'm thinking that 'Connectivity tissues' is a whole 'nother blog title (without the full stop).

River said...

I always ignore all options to press 1 or 2 or whatever, I just stay silent on the line until areal person talks to me. Usually at the end of the first run through of options.

Holemaster said...

Never call the helpline. Call the sales line and tell them you're thinking of moving to another provider. They'll give you a discount and put you straight through to a technician.

Or press 0 constantly.

Holemaster said...

For revenge, send in several bogus invoices for sundry services with small amounts from fictitious companies and addresses. It will drive the accounts people mad trying to allocate them.

Kath Lockett said...

I hope the pills kicked in......