The internet went down today. Horrific scenes of hair pulling, or at least there would have been if I had any to pull, followed by the kicking of presses, the sweats, the hallucinations, the cramps, the crying and the call to the Vodafone helpline.
Shower of bastards.
The call started off by telling me that they'd changed their helpline number to the one I'd just called, before asking me to choose from a menu of 174 options.
I pressed 5 and waited. That voice again.
"Thank you for choosing Landline And Fixed Broadband services. Did you know that you can update your price plan by..."
I put it on speaker phone while I searched for my pills.
Then, eventually, more fucking options.
"If you wish to talk about price plans, press one. For billing, press two. For technical issues, press three."
I pressed three.
"Thank you for choosing technical issues. If you are having difficulty setting your modem, press one. If you are currently looking for something to choke, press two. If you are experiencing connectivity issues, press three."
"Thank you for..." oh for the love of FUCK.
Finally, my credit bleeding to dry, it gave me the option of talking to an operator or, in this case, listening to something by Mozart while I thought about getting a little bit stabby. For seven minutes. Seven long minutes before the voice, THAT voice, came on again.
"We cannot connect your call at this time." Then the engaged tone, then nothing, nothing but my shaking and foetal remains on the floor.