Saturday, June 26, 2010

Soap

Would you let this man into your home? This shambling, drunken devil with a shoulder bag and little sense of his own environs? If you would, thank you.

If this rings a bell, you were a partygoer in an estate far away from anywhere and you saw me walking down the street, in my cups, and you saw me stop and ask if I could use your jacks.

Dying for a piss, y'see, dying for a throne in a stranger's townhouse.

The owner took sympathy on me and led me inside. He stood sentry outside with his wife or his girlfriend and a couple of their friends, one voice asking another...

"Who the fuck is that? Who's in the toilet?"

"I don't know, some fella, don't know where he came out of."

"Jesus. You wouldn't see me letting a stranger into my house."

"Ah Siobhán, he seems grand, he's wearing glasses for fuck's sake."

"Lots of serial killers wear glasses. What if he legs it off with the soap?"

"I dunno, seems pretty clean to me. I don't think he's going to rob the soap. The mirror, maybe."

The owner: "Nah, it's stuck to the wall, sure."

I was, of course, pissing away with the laughter and the nightful of stout and lager beer. Eventually I finished up, stole just a smudge of soap (lavender) and flushed. I checked the fly and opened the door to find five round strangers staring at me, blushing back at them.

"Thanks folks, I, eh, I appreciate it. Eh, I, ehm, I like your soap. Have a good night."

Manners make a man.

9 comments:

Liv said...

Awesome.

Holemaster said...

A gentleman.

hope said...

Your bravery leaves me amazed.

How did you know you weren't entering the home of a...serial killer? :)

[And my verification word is LIQUIT]

Radge said...

Thanks Liv!

Holemaster - Nice to be nice. (I really have to stop with the clichés)

Hope - There were many drunken witnesses.

Tuesday Kid said...

See when you need a piss and you're not near where you live, an alley is best if not behind a bin or the nearest lamp post.

This Limbo said...

I now understand why you may be a "mess of a man" today. I'm sure those homeowners will be speaking of you for years to come!

Radge said...

Tuesday Kid - Sound advice, but drunk me doesn't think so clearly.

Miss Limbo - I'd say it was more 'minutes afterwards,' but I appreciate the sentiment.

Green Of Eye, Sharp Of Claw said...

Never let it be said you ain't classy m'dear!

Radge said...

I wasn't even wearing my drinking monocle.