Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Radge replies: Andrew's problem

Andrew writes: 'Dear Uncie Radge,

I'm living a fine life at the moment. I'm a recession-proof sex demon and I'm pounding many of Dublin's highest quality babes on a regular basis.

Glenda Gilson? Check.
Sharon ní Bheoláin? Twice last week.
Katy French? One of the best, God rest her.

But a couple of months back I was driving through Cabra (quickly, like) and saw that this chubby bird in a pink Juicy Couture tracksuit. Hair tied back so tight it looked like it was going to tear her forehead and sovereign earrings dangling from her lobes. She had the lot, Uncie Radge. Yet I found myself getting the horn.

Ever since then I've been hankering after an old dirtbird or five all the fucking time. I'm mad into it now. I'll end up banging a traveller if this doesn't stop soon, a traveller!

Help me, Uncie Radge, you're my only hope.'

= = =

Radge replies: 'Thanks so much for the letter, Andrew. Living in Cabra, as I do, I have been better placed than most to see the allure of what is known as the Cabran lioness.

When Fr. John Cabra founded the citadel in early 1906, he brought with him a potion hewn from the spunk of the particularly sexual Mongolian zebras with whom he had cohabited in the early part of the 20th century. As an aside, a little known fact is that T-Rex wrote a song based on the bestial predilections of the wayward cleric.

Upon his arrival in Ireland, Fr. Cabra found the ecosphere ill-suited to his needs and searched high and wide and far and central until he arrived at the North Dublinic wastelands, as they weren't known at the time.

Combining his particular brand of jungle juice with the waters of the Royal Canal to be found nearby, he began applying his saucy little mixtures to the earliest prototypes of the common baby's bottle.

The solution remains pretty much the same, though it has been tweaked with Linden Village and TK Red Lemonade for added zip (by some, not all) since the 1980s.

There are some curiousome side effects, such as a second skin of pink (Fr. Cecil Unique's patenting of same for his clothing enterprise brought about some litigation in the '70s, which he won and followed up with the somewhat vivid clothing line you'll see, day to day, in and around the Ilac Centre) and somewhat wayward eye make-up, as well as the obligatory ponytail.

However, and this is the crucial part, certain (some, not all) find these Cabran lionesses irresistible in the sexy sex sense. Studies have shown that studies cannot explain this phenomenon but I, once, got stymied by a 'lady' by the name of Bags Lynch back in the 70s and had to venture to Mongolia in the seeking of an antidote that, thankfully, worked.

My flopsweat, however, has never been cured.

While Ryanair are yet to open their Mongolian trail, I do know of travel arrangements that can be made. Email me directly and, all being well, you will never again fall as prey to the Cabran lioness.

I hope this helps and, Andrew, be well.

Radge, having replied.'


adogwoof said...

you're SO sexy

Meadow said...

I rode a horse in Mongolia. Was this bad?

Radge said...

You tell me.

But with regard to the condition referred to in the blog, you're fine. I have never seen you in a pink tracksuit. Only zebras. Nae horsies.

Holemaster said...

I'd love a bit of dirt.

Andrew said...

You live in Cabra? I'm coming over.

When I started doing my training to be an EFL teacher we were given a lesson in Mongolian, conducted entirely in Mongolian, just to demonstrate how much of a language you can teach to someone who doesn't speak a fucking word of it. All I remember now is that "How are you?" contained the word 'bayarlaa' (which is really difficult to pronounce). Sadly, we were never taught how to say "Mr. Shaman, sir, can I please have some of that special hooch that'll make me stop sniffing around Fatima Mansions like a tomcat?"
An oversight on the their part.

Radge said...

Something tells me using the internet to find a translation might end up being a futile gesture.

Andrew said...

It might well be.
But, fascinatingly, "Irugaa avaj nuruugai maijmar, ilgai avaj bogsoo archmar" means "Take your jaws and scratch your back, and take your liver and wipe your ass."
Which is nice.

NaRocRoc said...

A regular column perhaps?

Auntie Radge etc.

Radge said...

NaRocRoc - That's the idea.

Sarah Gostrangely said...

Lurvely post, Radgical.

"vivid Clothing line", especially.

Cabra means Goat in Spanish, how's that for a horn?

Radge said...

How's Zooey Deschanel for a horn?

Yep. I'm still on that.