Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Love's young dream

From the 'Ask Adri' feature at the back of Saturday's Irish Independent weekend supplement. The 'Ask' is italicised for extra oomph, which is a word that people like Adri seem to be particularly fond of.

J, Blackrock writes: 'Dear Adriana, I've met a man who I think could be the one! I'm 32 and have been single for three years. I had started to think I was never going to meet anyone, when a friend introduced me to this man. He is 35, owns his own house and earns a really good salary. We've been seeing each other for a couple of months, and last week he invited me to his house for dinner - but he opened the door in a pair of tartan granddad slippers. It was an instant passion killer and now I can't stop seeing him as a fuddy-duddy and imagining what our lives will be like in 10 years. Am I being petty?'

Adriana Trigiani, who has written heartwarming novels such as 'Lucia, Lucia' and 'Very Valentine' - oh, and who also counts as a housemate Sex And The City writer Michael Patrick King, who has based much of the series on the life of our Adri - responds thusly...

'Dear J, yes, you are being ever so petty. But this is your job when you are sussing out the right life partner. When it comes to your future you cannot be too petty or too picky. Time will tell if this man is the one. In the meantime, pick him up a pair of slippers that are aesthetically pleasing to you. But remember: When you do this, you open the door to allowing him to ask you to wear something that pleases him. Good luck! Adri!'

Right.

The transcribation portion of the evening has ended. Allow me to editorialise. No, fuck that, I'm still unemployed and fast running out of options, so consider this an Agony Uncle audition.

Radge writes: 'Dear J, you are three years single, yes? Well that's easily explained. You are ill equipped to be a human being. I can only surmise that your previous boyfriend died of self-death. The poor lamb, probably called Gavin, your very own little piece of rugby shirt sporting hottyness, your sounding board, your BT2 clothes horse, chewed out his own intestines while you were straightening your hair in the spare bedroom.

Didn't he J? Didn't he? He was tired. Bless. Tired from hearing about Rebecca, and how Colm was being a complete 'mare' to her. Tired from trying not to look like a pederast while you shopped with the kiddies in Oasis. Tired from... Just fucking tired.

So you're in a bind now, yeah? This new fella, we'll call him Shane and his mates call him Shano, has made a few quid working in Deloitte.

He's borrowed his way to a plush pad overlooking some club full of hotties that, itself, overlooks Temple Bar from a garden terrace. He's not a bad lad, is old Shano, despite his predilection for chinos, Gordon D'Arcy posters and comfortable footgear to potter over his chestnut floors in.

You say you can't stop imagining what your lives would be like in 10 years?

Well, J, if you're trying to convince me that you hadn't married his magnificently appointed D2 villa the second you laid your serpent eyes on it, please desist.

He's got a small cock, hasn't he? I'm afraid I can't help you unless you're honest.

Yours deprecatingly, Radge Exclamation Mark.'

Whew, I enjoyed that. Better than spinning, that.

Send me your letters.

14 comments:

Kath Lockett said...

You're made for this kind of thing - we need an Ask Radge column!

Conan Drumm said...

Radge!, this is a brilliant idea. I believe your first correspondent should be a chap with a similar name to yours, a fella called Radge.

Red Leeroy said...

wonderful stuff Radge, more more the crowd shouted.

Radge said...

Kath - Send me your letters.

Conan - That's a great idea. A fine idea. Yes, I can run with that.

Red - More to follow.

Shano said...

Deloitte my orse! KMPG ore your only mon.

Meadow said...

Hee, my last blog post is made for an Uncle Radge style reponse. Don't hold back, Uncie.

I think a good name for your column would be Radge Replies.

Radge said...

Shano - Strange the things people get annoyed about.

Meadow - I'm stuck on whether to make it a weekly feature here, or start a whole 'nother blog. You might just be my next case study.

ieatmypigeon said...

Weekly feature! Radge Illuminates?

Andrew said...

Dear Uncie Radge,

I'm living a fine life at the moment. I'm a recession-proof sex demon and I'm pounding many of Dublin's highest quality babes on a regular basis.

Glenda Gilson? Check.
Sharon ní Bheoláin? Twice last week.
Katy French? One of the best, God rest her.

But a couple of months back I was driving through Cabra (quickly, like) and saw that this chubby bird in a pink Juicy Couture tracksuit. Hair tied back so tight it looked like it was going to tear her forehead and sovereign earrings dangling from her lobes. She had the lot, Uncie Radge. Yet I found myself getting the horn.
Ever since then I've been hankering after an old dirtbird or five all the fucking time. I'm mad into it now. I'll end up banging a traveller if this doesn't stop soon, a traveller!
Help me, Uncie Radge, you're my only hope.

Therese Cox said...

Yes, but the question remains, Radge Exclamation Mark: will you italicize?

Radge said...

IEMP - Perhaps.

Andrew - I'll deal with you later.

Therese - I'm just wondering how much emphasis is too much emphasis?

Therese Cox said...

OH I DON'T KNOW RADGE, WHAT DO YOU THINK????

Radge said...

Therese - http://www.independent.ie/world-news/asia-pacific/office-worker-sacked-for-writing-emails-in-block-capitals-1874718.html

Holemaster said...

Most entertaining and Interesting choice of names.

Had great fun one night spoofing one up that I had just bought in Donnybrook but was worried the Audi would get scratched out on the road. Oh how shallow she was, the thinly veiled prostitute.