The house has been sealed off, the army are here with their white boiler suits and surgical gas masks.
It's raining Tamiflu tablets and they're powerhosing me down with alcohol hand rub.
They've set up an isolation chamber in the back garden and the rubber-neckers are out in force.
I just sneezed, you see, and I don't want to tell them it's the result of two nights' revelry and nothing more because they've gone to an awful lot of effort.
I suppose I'd better make them some tea.