Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Nites out wit de girlies

Check this out for 'top three turn offs,' courtesy of 'NotRealName' on

1. Cheaters (we'll allow this, though surely it should be cheats?).
2. BO (fair enough).
3. Feet.

Feet? Feet, for fuck's sake? I hope the weather stays fine for her, but the feeling remains that she's in for a tough time. She's waiting at Trinity, he's a few minutes late, the anticipation's building. He approaches.

"Hi, I'm, I dunno, Graham."

"Hi, I'm notrealname. Tell me Graham, how did you get here."

"I walked."

"This isn't going to work for me."

According to her profile, this girl has a masters degree.

Not to pick on her too much, but she uses the one line that tears me away from these sites every time I think, just for a milibeat, that I might be up for meeting someone anonymously again after all this time.

The line is this: I love drunken nites out wit the girlies. Enjoy going to cinema and havin lazy nites in aswell.

It's not the conjoined 'aswell,' it's not the abandoned 'h' at the end of 'wit,' it's just that every fucking second profile has this line somewhere. It may as well read: I enjoy existing.

Moving on, some other examples...

xxbettyxx2xx writes: 'i is gona be honest i aint the type of gurl u look at on the tv or walkin down the road and say HEY I GOTS TI GET ME SUM OF THAT!!!'

lubejob writes: people wit no pic dont mail me cause ya wont get 1 bk

flimsylass likes rugby players and going to Santa Ponsa.

legseleven writes: love nothing more than going out socializing with friends or sitting in with a good bottle of wine, a dvd :)

missperfect can't live without her car and phone and her hairdresser and her handbag and just cos 'i don't have a pic up don't mean Im ugly I ain't.'

I'll let you all know how many replies I get.


adogwoof said...

you know it's not always just about us, don't you?

Conan Drumm said...

Go on, show us your profile!

swiss said...

googling for train fares to nottingham the other day one of the results i got was

'to the guy who fingered me on the train to dundee'


but reading the above i fear this is how it will end.

Liv said...

Have you seen the ones the fellows write? "In search of my princess/angel/insert name of fictional charactersexsymbol." They're also guilty of writing the "I'm just as happy eating turds as I am eating the most expensive caviar on the planet" liners. I think those are meant to show how wordly they are. A dating profile is really worth a million nerds.

Kitty Cat said...

I always found it funny how many people put "If anyone asks, we met in a club!!!!". Idiots. And they were usually the type to over-use exclamation marks. Bleh.

Holemaster said...

It's like looking though the 3 DVDs for €20 section. You know there's something worthwhile but you have to search an awful lot of dross to get there.

Sarah Gostrangely said...

I LOVE existing, me!

Good luck Radge:)

hope said...

This makes me glad to be married. :0

You did, however give me a momentary scare [then a giggle]. My fault, actually. I misread the title and envisioned you in high heels and a mini skirt, out with the girls as a spy, trying to decipher what women want. [As if they always know].

Carry on.

Niamh B said...

Do you have feet? Now that you've broached the subject? I mean it's ok if you have, I suppose.

Radge said...

AG - It usually is.

Conan - You'd like that, wouldn't you? Oh wait, you would. Ehm. No. Shy.

Swiss - I'm scared.

Liv - I was talking about the female profiles with a female friend last night, as if she'd know what I was on about. "I've never actually sought a same sex relationship online, or anywhere," she replied. "Oh," I said. Same sentiment here, but seems we lads are just as bad.

Kitty Cat - Oh I've had a few of those. My first ever online dating experience was a dinger for that. I may tell the tale, or perhaps not. Not publicly at any rate.

Holemaster - Leaving Las Vegas, Bully and The Squid And The Whale for thirty quid in Laser today. Been looking for the first in that trio for years.

Sarah - Nothing ventured. I just couldn't.

Hope - How was my make-up?

Niamh - Yes, but I have qualities that make up for my ambulative status.

hope said...

Exquisite. You weren't wearing Hooker Red lipstick. ;)

adogwoof said...

check this out Radge honey:

Meadow said...

Lubejob? What kind of site are you on?

I'm going on my third date this week, tonight. And another tomorrow. Sigh.

Be funny if we were on the same site and mailed each other.

Radge said...

I made up the names. Didn't want to be a complete prick.

Funny indeed. Funnier still if we ended up on the same date.

NaRocRoc said...

Meadow Radgery kinda has a ring to it dontchyathink?

Radge said...

It's the little Radgerys I'd feel sorry for.