Thursday, July 30, 2009

Can Wednesday

For a successful Can Wednesday, you will need:

14 cans of freshly purchased lager beer.
8 bottles of lager beer left over from previous Can Wednesday.
Two willing enablers (Enabler 1 and Enabler 2).
Digital Versatile Discs, three of.
One picture of Glenda Gilsen and Amanda Brunker gurning and making peace signs at the camera.
Two nine-inch Dunnes Stores pizza pies, toppings optional but must be primarily meat based.
One couch and one armchair.

Directions:

Chill beer in fridge, await arrival of Enabler 1. Put on clothes pre-appearance of said Enabler 1 as this is not - and never will be - Naked Can Wednesday.

Greet Enabler 1. Discuss the events of the day. Offer a sherry (beer). Drink. Discuss events of the day further.

Open gate to allow ingress of Enabler 2. Deposit his beer to an already well stocked fridge. Discuss the Permanent TSB interest rate hike (football).

Play DVD 1, in this case 'The Commitments'. Make arresting social commentary on how the Dublin of 2009 differs in no way from the Dublin of 1990, Docklands development aside. Talk over film discussing the events of the day (Burma, sorry, pre-season football friendlies and the impending loss of Xabi Alonso).

Get progressively drunker.

Take picture of Misses Gilsen and Brunker outside window of flat, appearing in clear sight of Enablers 1 and 2. Apply fire, watch burn.

Get progressively drunker, discuss the jobs crisis (breasts).

Pre-heat oven to 200 degrees, wonder what smell is, discover it to be flatulence of self, Enabler 1 and Enabler 2.

Deposit pizza pies in oven. Set alarm on phone for 23 minutes' time.

Get progressively drunker.

Finish 'The Commitments', play DVD 2, in this case 'Withnail And I'.

Remove pizza pies from oven, divide in three, discover Enabler 2 has already eaten, divide in two, rejoice quietly at extra pizza pie. Drink in unison to film. Forget woes.

Wonder what smell is. Remember collective flatulence.

Finish 'Withnail And I', play DVD 3, in this case the first episode of the third series of 'Entourage'.

Notice burgeoning collection of cans and bottles sinkside. Mutter something about the green bin under breath. Drink.

Finish 'Entourage'. Exit Enabler 2 for home. Wearily re-discuss the events of the day with Enabler 1, slowly fading on couch. Prattle on without noticing Enabler 1 has fallen asleep on couch. Lament boring personality of self. Apply duvet carelessly to Enabler 1, brush teeth, remember to floss, gag, bed.

8 comments:

Flann O'Coonassa said...

Your aversion to Naked Can Wednesday is prudent Radge. I once piloted a Naked Binoculars Tuesday. All it got me was a restraining order (200 yards, which I felt was a bit heavy-handed) and an order to keep away from the Old Folks Home.

Holemaster said...

I see you round up to 23 minutes also.

ieatmypigeon said...

I've been looking for a good Can Wednesday recipe. Will be sure to try this out next week.

Niamh B said...

This is a great one - also doubles as a very effective recipe for a "Can't Thursday"

Radge said...

Flann - What is it with you and torment of the geriatrics? It's not right.

Holemaster - I hate an anaemic pizza.

IEMP - Let me know how it goes.

Niamh - I couldn't today.

Red Leeroy said...

I used to be an enabler. Now I am feeble and broken. And the alarm never goes off.

Radge said...

What has she done to you???

Red Leeroy said...

Fortunately Radge it was not her, it was the shower of fuckhole engineers in my cuntsore of a company who just had the hilarious thought of making me redundant. I am on a hat-trick now. cunts.