Thursday, April 16, 2009

"You can't go in there!"

Where's the rulebook that says, in cinema and television, all red wine must look like cranberry juice? Diluted cranberry juice at that.

"We'd use real wine but it doesn't look like wine on camera. It just looks like blood. Here's some Ocean Spray."

"Fuck. I was really hoping for some caber..."

"Just fucking drink it. Roll tape."

How come, when someone walks into an office with greatest gusto, there's always a secretary on hand to form a barrier to entry? Once, just once, I'd like to see her say, "I know you don't have an appointment but, y'know, work away."

Smoking: No more than two drags and it's stubbed out.

A meal is never, ever finished. Often it's not even touched, it's just there as a prop for whatever sad little discourse some sad little screenwriter has put together between bumps.

Moving on...

As our two lovers are gaily strolling through Paris or Manhattan, talking of their loves lost and their hopes and dreams for the future, the male lead (in my head Ethan Hawke in 'Before Sunset') never says "hold that thought, Julie Delpy, because I badly need to have a slash, Julie Delpy."

Why do children always need to have pudding bowl haircuts, when the last known sighting of same in real life was back in 1993?

A wedding must never pass without a simultaneous death, divorce, interruption from a drunken ex-lover, car crash or sex change. That one's pretty much confined to the soaps.

Nobody ever, EVER, takes the change from a taxi driver.

Among my myriad DVDs, I doubt one disc contains a single scene of someone doing the washing up (I don't own any Ken Loach). Kitchen sink dramatics my hole.

And don't get me started on the faultless use of chopsticks, and the fact that there is never a gap between the answering of a phone and a response.

28 comments:

Maxi Cane said...

Here here.

Why is it that I have yet to fix a woman's washing machine and been offered anal congress as a means of payment?

Why, even after I set up a game of spin the bottle at the next door neighbours house when their schoolgirl daughter was having a sleep over did they not end up with a single moist finger between them?

I don't understand why movies lie to me.

Meadow said...

It's on the shelf there, Radge. Top left.

Kath Lockett said...

And:
* Even the grumpiest of characters comes back to their apartment has about ten messages left on their answering machine

* When a woman is in labour, it goes from waters breaking to a head emerging in about three minutes, which is a fair departure from being at home for eight hours until the contractions are five minutes apart and *then* leaving for the hospital in a calm and orderly manner

* Workaholics get home in the dark and never bother to put on any light except a tiny one

* Investigators (I'm thinking X-files) who are prized for their analytical and detective skills seem to do all of their work in the dark holding torches, avoiding any light switches nearby.

* Everyone drinks their coffee black (except in LA Story).

* People on minimum wage in New York still seem to be able to afford million-dollar apartments

* They never end a phonecall with 'thanks' or 'seeya later'.

* At night time, the roads are always wet...

Niamh B said...

In Csi, no one wears gloves or hairnets, but all the female detectives wear copious amounts of lip gloss and dna analysis takes about 2 seconds...

Radge said...

Maxi Cane - Comment of the century, that. Bravo, sir!

Kath - And the silver medal goes to... (Maxi wins it for proximity to me). Brilliant.

Meadow - No it's not. Give it back.

Niamh - I must investigate. Like what I did there?

Kitty Cat said...

Oh! And, and, and:

L-shaped sheets when a couple are lying in bed.

ANY time travel stories always have a handy newspaper nearby for date-checking when our heroes land somewhere new.

Big awkward paper bags for food shopping with obligatory baguettes or veg greenery sticking out the top.

There's always someone nearby that understands morse code.

And someone looking at a crowd of thousands will immediately spot the person they didn't think would show up but look! they did! Christmas is saved!

The End.

Radge said...

Kitty Cat - It occurs to me that we should make a film together, with lots of no-shows and random toilet breaks.

Kitty Cat said...

Deal!

Maxi Cane said...

You don't want to make a film with me?

Radge said...

I was thinking more along the lines of sweet, sweet music with your good self. Ahem.

Maxi Cane said...

Nice one, I can play the flute alright.

Anonymous said...

Great post.

The driver hardly ever looks at the road.
People get drunk on one beer.
A meeting time is never agreed.
Tyres screech on all surfaces.

Holemaster said...

Sorry, that Anon was me. Wouldn't happen in the movies.

Red Leeroy said...

and what about the magical L shaped duvet that covers ladies breasts, you can't buy them in Dunnes !

Sweary said...

Weirdiosity.

I was just reading one of Kevin's posties which discusses the same subject.

My head's going to be full of movie laziness all day. Also migraines.

Radge said...

Holemaster - Thought I had a new reader there.

Red - Pesky L shapes.

Sweary - VERY strange. My first time on his blog just there. We must have been watching the same tired shite last evening. Oh, and feel better. Take some Nurofen.

Conan Drumm said...

Did you ever read that book about lifts in films, "Elevator! - A thousand movie clichés from the Carpark to the Penthouse"?

Radge said...

Conan - No. I may borrow it.

Niamh B said...

Like it? It's genius...
By the way - if you ever wondered how they do the drinks in soap land see the following link -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjhBf4vlTw0

Since all of this started with the red wine...

NaRocRoc said...

And how people in films hit other people and they're immediately unconscious allowing the hero to move on and get the girl / the grail or whatever the fuck he's after. That bugs me that does. One crappy punch doesn't render entire armies unconscious for fuck sake.

Gypseysdog said...

Good work Radge.

I can chip in with my observation that you can never die from drowning in a movie.
You SEEM dead, and there's no reaction when they pump your chest. But when your lover lets a single tear drop on your face and finally admits that they love you the vitality floods back in heaving coughs and everything is diddly-dee.






Except, euh...........Titanic.

Gypseysdog said...

Now that I think about it, I really hate those 'is she drowned or not drowned?' scenes.
They are never really fucking drowned so let's just leave it out.






Except in, ...y'know..

Susan said...

Brilliant post--the comments are even better!

I complain about these things too, especially telephone conversations in which the actor only allows three nanoseconds between his lines so the caller couldn't possibly be saying enough to reply to, and my daughter tells me to 'deal with it Mum, it's movie physics'. I guess so, but sometimes the Simpsons are more real than the real people. Scary.

swiss said...

and the dying? nobody ever dies choking for breath, mad as a loon or covered in their own shit. films i've seen where the hero bleed to death out his arse? that would be none.

and that wanker sean penn in 21 grams. i'd like to travel to la or where ever he is when he's dying just so i can see him and say 'hey sean, you see where you got that wrong you stupid fuck.'

or any of those arseheads who get shot. what's that you're saying there keanu? oh that's right i can't hear you cos you're paralysed and on a ventilator. and shitting in a bag

Anonymous said...

Most yogurt in adverts is actually white paint.

Holemaster said...

Lights go off, blue light comes on.

hope said...

And NO ONE owns a t.v. set!

Unless, of course someone in their family has been involved in a murder. At which time a t.v. suddenly appears, they switch it on just in time to hear a grave male voice intone that their loved one has been murdered.

And yet, did anyone really love that person? Stay tuned! ;)

NextSeatOver said...

When the main actor is getting into a fight with 10 or 20 badies and they all abide by the gentlemanly rule of forming an orderly queue to attack him one by one rather than all of them going in together with fists blazing...

Tut!