Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Grammar porn

Apparently there's a fetish for everything. For EVERYTHING. Little old innocent me with my head stuck between the pages of the latest jazz mag, Ostrich Sluts 2 - y'know, the standard stuff, like - little did I realise that there is nothing in this world that cannot be fetishised.

So, things that can be fetishised.

1) Keys: Oh baby, give me some of that sweet locksmith value. Oh yeah. Right there. Open that lock. Oh man. Enter.

This isn't working so I ask, "Here, can you fetishise keys?" "Of course you can. They're phallic, they make a beautiful tinkling sound. You carry them on a ring and what's kinkier than that?" I don't see it myself but whatever you're into.

Like.

2) Salt. Salt in the wound. Rock salt is the best because it's those little sharp edged crystal pieces, feel so good on your skin. Apparently. I'm becoming more and more aware of my audience here. Gonna delete the REALLY bad stuff.

3) Payslips: Oh the numbers. Crunch those numbers. PAYE. Deductions. PAYMENT DATE. Stop it, you're making me wet. "Can you put income levy in there?"

No.

4) Cafetieres: "Yeah! The whole plunging motion."

5) Nettles: Bit obvious.

6) Corn Flakes: An entire box. Emptied on the floor. Do the maths.

7) Sandpaper.

8) Any film starring the actor Bruce Greenwood: Except Thirteen Days. Anyone who wanks off to the Cuban Missile Crisis is one sick puppy.

9) The number nine.

10) Anyone still with me? Because I lost myself in a fit of cafetierism about half an hour ago. Look it up.

10 comments:

John Braine said...

Cafieteres did nothing for me. I'm more of a teacaddy man.

Red Leeroy said...

nothing I like more than a cheeky back chatting bain marie.

Conan Drumm said...

Punctuation porn is where it's at round here - semicolons, slash/strokes and perverted commas. Oh baby! Yeah¡¡

NaRocRoc said...

Bicycle pumps. Now that's where it's at.

Flann O'Coonassa said...

Thankfully, my naked lady fetish has been brought under control by medication.

Beyond that, I find arousal at the slightest glimpse of any barnyard animal whose mass does not exceed my own, and therefore is vulnerable to subduing. I'm not proud of myself, bit I am what I am.

Radge said...

John - Damn link won't open. Something ribald no doubt.

Red - That took a googling.

Conan - Gone the days of the family blog that was once Radgery.

NaRocRoc - From Sweden? They're not bicycle pumps. Sorry boss.

Flann - We're not here to judge.

John Braine said...

Radge it was just a google image search for 'tea caddy'.

Radge said...

John - Worked! Seismic.

Meadow said...

Chocolate. You forgot chocolate.

Chocolate biscuits, chocolate bars, chocolate bunnies, chocolate melting, chocolate fingers...

Chocolate dunking. Oh, dunking...

I'll stop now.

Radge said...

Meadow - No. Les cafetieres.