Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Penelope Cruz and me: The truth

It seems all I'm doing lately is refuting tabloid tattle and headless gossip from the press. First of all I was reported as being Ewan McGregor's 'stunt cock' on the set of Trainspotting - a story utterly without foundation that I've struggled to dissociate myself from for nigh on 15 years - and now we have these rumours of bedtime trysts with Penelope Cruz.

The Irish Daily Mirror carried a short article some weeks back stating that "the Spanish actress had recently sought succour in the arms of Irish blogging guru Radge, and the pair shared intimate dinners together in the remote County Kerry town of Dingle while staying with close personal friends of the online diarist."

The picture they published was a grainy effort, obviously photoshopped, and seemed to evidence a clinch between myself and Penny. Well, believe none of what you read and less of what you see.

Yes, I have enjoyed a close friendship with Penny for a number of years now. We met on Gothika - I was executive producer on a fright of a production and she was the star of the film.

That time was a difficult one in Penny's life, as she had recently ended her relationship with her superstar boyfriend Maverick Thunder.

Yes, we did have a brief flirtation and yes, that did flower into a series of comfort calls and sizzling Latin bedroom exhibitionism.

I ended my dalliance with Penny when she fell for another co-star, Matthew McConahockey, but we stayed in touch through text messages and emails.

I won't go into the details of my arrest on Hallowe'en night 2007 but what I will say is that Penny saved me from myself in that difficult time. Our friendship - theretofore borne of unspoken sexual frisson - became more profound, a deep bond that lasts to this day.

We are not, nor have ever been, a couple. These salacious little snippets may sell papers and I understand that my life is of interest to a wide and varied public.

I can take this but Penny is a sensitive little sexcat so please, ye scribes, suck out your marrow elsewhere because bottom feeding on one of the cornerstone friendships in my life is neither big nor clever.


NaRocRoc said...

You get through to Javier Bardem yet?!?

Radge said...

Narocroc - I really can't comment on that.

Red Leeroy said...

prisoners of love.....

Anonymous said...

you have the most fabulous dreams. what drugs are you on and are you selling them over the net?

Kath Lockett said...

Oh please tell me that she didn't save YOU from being nude and playing the bongos, did she?

....or is this all a very elaborate ruse to steer us all away from your true love, Mr Bardem?

Radge said...

Red - You said it.

Nursemyra - Pish posh! All the truth. Did you not read the headline???

Kath - Handsome as he is, I don't swing that way. At least not after Clive Owen dumped me.

Sarah Gostrangely said...

Laughing My Arse Off, Radge.

I thoroughly enjoyed your "trashy tryst" typing and your allegorical alliteration.

Fuck tv, you should join the Evening Her'dald.

Though, obviously, it's all true...ahem.

Radge said...

Sarah - Between you and me (and anyone else who chooses to read these very public comments) it's all just a ruse to get her to read Radgery, a la Terence and Caroline Morahan.

Andrew said...

Fuck, dude, I'm sorry. The bloodhounds did the same to me and Máire Geoghegan-Quinn, but we weathered the storm.

Thinking of you at this difficult time.

Meadow said...

Hmmmm... sounds to me like an adult version of 'doing the starfish.'

Decoy ploy.

Conan Drumm said...

We'll have to get a support group together, yourself, myself and Andrew.

It was only by the grace of God that the paparazzi weren't on hand to capture Mary O'Rourke attacking Kristin Scott Thomas in a fit of jealous rage when she caught us enjoying an intimate moon-lit stroll along the Shannon banks in Athlone.

I might sell the rights to Woody. 'Mary Kristin Athlone' has a ring to it.

Radge said...

Andrew - I remember that alright. The Dollymount Strand exposé was bang out of order.

Meadow - I tell you too much.

Conan - 'Mary Kristin Athlone'. The hat is off to you.

B said...

conan: woody allen has mentioned he's been interested in doing a film here for the last while y'know

NaRocRoc said...

There's a new ad for some hairspray like shit on the box. It stars the baul Penelope. She looks at us and says "it's the best in the world". And then she ends it all with "you're worth it".

I can see it in her eyes Radge. She's talking to you.

hope said...

Thank you for fantasizing about an intelligent brunette instead of an airheaded blonde Hollyweird bimbo.

Did I say fantasize? I meant sharing this fantastic moment.

Radge said...

Narocroc - She shimmers before me.

Hope - She's just lovely is all.

Terence McDanger said...

Oh Radge, what bliss! Let's get the gals together and have a good old menage-a-quatre!

(As long as there's a naked celebrity female between you and me at all times, I'm game).

Radge said...

Terence - Keep that hairy arse of yours away from me. Once was enough.

Terence McDanger said...

I ROFLd at Radge.