Thursday, February 26, 2009

The real me.

So I arrived home before her, kicked off my shoes and turned on the football. I put on my Liverpool jersey because that's what men do when they're watching the football, and cracked open a can of Carlsberg.

Next thing I heard the lock going, she was fiddling with her keys, so I turned off the telly, put on my apron and happened a spatula to my grasp.

She walked in.

"Hi Honey!"

"Oh I had the hardest day. And look! I'm drenched."

I gave her a cursory peck on the cheek and told her to get out of those wet clothes. She went into the bedroom and I to the bathroom. I lit all her candles for her and ran her a nice hot bath with Radox bath salts (now with micro-scrubbing-actimides for extra relaxability).

"Aaaaaaahhhhh. That's nice...." I heard her say as I opened up the Erin Soupfulls, that's E.R.I.N.S.O.U.P.F.U.L.L.S. and deposited the contents into a pot to simmer away at a time to coincide perfectly with my love's washing, repeating, rinsing and pruning.

Her bathing complete she dried herself off, leaving her hair all lank and damp and cute and lovely, and walked into the magnificently appointed kitchen-cum-dining space where I had set out our meal on the Ikea dining table with a nice bottle of red.

I reached for the remote control to switch back on the footy before she playfully slapped my hand away from it. I could do nothing but take a satisfied swallow of my beefy mixture and smile wryly at the camera.

20 comments:

prin said...

LOL! you sly old fox. bet it was good too! I actually had a husband do those sorts of things for me once...course he did that for other women too :)

Radge said...

(Sharp intake of breath)...

Sounds like he was the sly one, Prin. Eek.

Meadow said...

'And happened a spatula to my grasp' had me expecting something a bit more, eh... active.

This has got to be based on a real TV ad, right? The 'perfect soup eating couple'.

Or else you have a fever.

Radge said...

Meadow - I'm the perfect tease. And yes to the ad thing. Cleaning gave way to shouting at the television.

Meadow said...

Angry shouting. That's one way to get well... I guess.

narocroc said...

It always bugged me how he stirred the soup in that ad. Yeah right. It's that chunky the spoon doesn't even break the chunkiness. C'mon!

Radge said...

And there I was thinking people would buy my tale of domestic bliss.

Just don't get me started on the Malteser ads. 'Bit naughty?' 'NO! FUCKING CUNTISH!'

Susan said...

If you're living vicariously through tv adverts now, you need fever medicine, but quick.

Ads get more unrealistic every year, it seems. In real life, she'd walk in with all the shopping, whine to him about his not helping, and he'd turn up the volume so he wouldn't have to hear it. Then the camera could capture the Erin Soupfulls bouncing off his head.

Why does it have two L's?

Radge said...

Because it's fulL of soupy, gloopy life affirming goodness, I presume.

I prefer steak.

Red Leeroy said...

Be kinda shit if your name happened to be Erin Soupfulls. A little unlikely but none the less, quite shit.

Radge said...

I disagree, Red. Think of the royalties.

Erin Soupfuls said...

I tried but they won on the grounds that my name only contains one L.

Conan Drumm said...

Yes, I've seen that ad. I didn't see this bit though...

"a satisfied swallow of my beefy mixture"

!

Radge said...

Erin - Contact Injury Lawyers 4 U.

Conan - It was in the out-takes.

Sarah Gostrangely said...

lol beefy mixture. Har har.

I luuurve those ads. Especially as the couple appears to be brother and sister.

Radge said...

Something to look out for, Sarah. Their love dares not speak its name. Think of their two-headed children, with nothing but schoolyard taunts and a lifetime supply of oxtail to soften their path to adolescence.

Too much coffee here.

Gypseysdog said...

Wait.........what?

So this didn't really happen?


All I thought I knew is wrong...

Radge said...

5X - No, it didn't happen. I'm reaching out to my idea of a full and blissful existence.

swiss said...

see now i didn't know this was an advert so i thought you were off on a flight of fancy of an entirely different nature

Niamh B said...

Do the new Mc Donalds ads next - much as I hate big corporate world feckeens, they shure do some brilliant ads... Things change fast.