Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Living the dream.

As a child I always had a pretty good idea about what I wanted to do when I grew up.

While the rest of the lads had their hearts set on playing for Dublin, on becoming firemen, on joining the circus, on penis puppetry, on the stage and on drugs, I had but one aim in life. I wanted to write goal alerts for Ireland's most popular mobile phone network, via Ireland's most popular sports broadcaster TM.

The lads would be down the end of the road kicking stones and balls into the laneway.

"Moran shoots and scores!" and I'd be perched at the side, notebook in hand.

"Sorry Kev, stop wheeling away in delight. Could you give me a minute on that scissors kick?"

"Yeah, no bother Radge, 78 minutes."

"Sound," my ten-year-old would say and I'd start jotting.

'Goalflash: Kev 2-0 Ronan. Moran '78.'

"What are you writing down? Why don't you go in goals or something?"

"Quiet," I'd counter. "I'm providing my users with an up-to-the-minute goal service direct to their mobile phones."

"Their mobile whats?"

"Their mobile phones, Ronan. In 2009 people will carry phones around in their pockets and information will get sent to them as things like goals happen y'know?"

"My ma carries her post office book, my post office book, her pills, my da's post office book, the shopping list, her lipstick and her butter vouchers around. There's no fuckin' way she'd fit a phone in her bag."

"That's the beauty of it lads. They'll be so small you'll hardly know they're there. You'll only become aware of it when you hear the beep for a text message or when someone calls you and you hear Beyoncé or Crazy Frog..."

"The fuck are you talkin' about? TEXT messages? Bouncy frogs? Fuck off."

"I'll explain later. But, lads, I have a dream. Some day I'm going to sit at a desk late at night while you're all in the pub, watching matches and as soon as something big happens like a sending off or a goal or a broken leg, I'm going to write it down into a computer in less than 140 characters and then people who subscribe will get the beep and they'll know and it'll be brilliant and yis are dopes!"

"Don't listen to him Ronan," Kev would say. "I'm 2-0 up."

I'd get thick. "You know nothin' anyway. Kevin Moran would never score a scissors kick. I'm going home!"

Well, twenty years on, I showed those cunts.

22 comments:

Conan Drumm said...

Very prescient of you. How you knew it'd be 140 characters I'll never know. Was it some obscure 'law of seven' thing?

Meadow said...

Giggling to bed. Love it!

Susan said...

Oh loved it. That little scene would make a marvellous bit of video; I can just see it playing out, very cute. Bravo!

And I'm very glad to hear you're 'living the dream', of course you are.

...

Um... penis puppetry???!

Kath Lockett said...

Tell Susan that Penis Puppetry is real. Done firstly by Australians in a live stage show that I reviewed for the local paper last year. I was both fascinated and revulsed - seeing a love truncheon squished into the shape of a Big Mac or the Eiffel Tower was something I'll never forget....

Glad to see that someone else is also living the dream. I'm presenting a work/life balance segment on the last half hour of the last day of an executive development conference. Therefore, they'll all have left to catch their early flights home and I'll be talking to the cleaners and leftover sandwiches. Still, they're paying me....

narocroc said...

Nostradamus ain't got no flies on the Radge!

So you practically predicted Twitter too? Is that what you're saying Radge?

prin said...

so i haven't been here in awhile...been doing the reader thing. so...what the hell happened to the bar??? it looks like it exploded...at least it does to me.

Mangoes and Oranges said...

I get the feeling you're being sarcastic. Are you being sarcastic?

Radge said...

Conan - That's exactly what it wasn't.

Meadow - I get jokes. You do too.

Susan - What Kath said.

Kath - What Kath said. Brilliant.

NaRorRoc - I'd never put myself forward as a prophet. But I'm a prophet.

Prin - Welcome back. I've gone all red light district on your asses.

Mangoes and Oranges - Yes. I was being sarcastic.

Red Leeroy said...

sigh, If I could predict your mental times of posting maybe I could laugh along with everyone else. Can you send some sort of text alert?

Radge said...

Red - Have. Down. Fine. Art. Last night went a little something like this.

10.58pm: Leave work two minutes early.

11.09pm: Arrive home in a taxi. Taxi man was not one for talking.

11.28pm: Switch off The View in sincerest anger at the sincere, baby-faced, 'didactic'-using cunt whose name I forget. Switch on computer.

11.33pm: Finish scratching arse, start blog.

11.49pm: Finish blog. Make like a piece of lead and hit the leaba.

Sarah Gostrangely said...

LMAO, as they say.

Hurrah for the dreams and bouncy frogs.

Radge said...

Sarah - Hurrah for everything! (I'm in generous mood.)

narocroc said...

11.28pm: I also switch off The View in sincerest anger at the sincere, baby-faced, 'didactic'-using cunt whose name I forget. The blonde lady who tries to use big words and be all smart but fails in a haze of "yaknow whorrImean" is also cause enough to switch off.

Oh and Radge becomes Rarge from now on!

Radge said...

Rarge indeed. I have seen that before.

Jesse Jones was yer one's name. She didn't annoy me too much, but that little cretin...

Oh, and NaRocRoc, I have a confession to make. I have started.. No, no, I can't. Forget I said anything.

narocroc said...

Rarge, I know. My spies have reported back to me with sordid tales of twitter twatter.

I can't help but feel responsible.

Radge said...

NaRocRoc - I feel you are. Your fault. Gah.

Terence McDanger said...

But nobody could have foretold the success of the 'unoffical' Everton SMS service.

That's where we really earnt our corn back in the day Radge.

Radge said...

Ah yes, Terence. We surely did. I'd do an example now but you were always so much better at it than I...

Gypseysdog said...

This is the funniest thing you've ever written.

Radge said...

5X - I had a feeling it was up there with my Fust piece, alright. Thanks.

sinfulorigamipaper said...

Wasn't it Arthur C Clarke who said that any sufficiently advanced science would be indistinguishable from magic?

I'd subscribe to blogger alerts.

"John Bloggs has just scored with Sadie from accounts 3.46am"

Maybe not.

Radge said...

Gray - Maybe so, and I'll take your word on the quote.