Saturday, February 14, 2009

Gutter Press.

I started getting Hot Press back in 1995. Andrea Corr was on the cover and my 16-year-old wanted to discover the sex in her company.

So I bought it, making sticky the pages with her lovely self emblazoned, and therefrom grew my grá. Good writers, music and film reviews, Declan Lynch (and later Jonathan O'Brien) writing about football, Barry Glendenning, Olaf Tyaransen pre-becoming-a-cocaine-spouting-about-cunt, Niall Stokes pissing off politicians.

It was my publication of choice.

In my final year of college, I applied to be the Hot Press representative for Griffith. I was happy to be chosen and resolved to go about my task with vigour. We were asked to organise events to be sponsored by Hot Press, make sure the local shops stocked it, write about our experiences, build up a network of willing fanboys and girls.

Of course, I lost interest as soon as I got my free phone at the launch and did none of those things, but I still bore the title, the title that bored the shit out of my friends at its mentioning.

Then it broke. Q Bar broke it. Cocoon broke it. Cocaine broke it. Eddie Irvine broke it. Gavin Lambe Murphy broke it. The Dice Bar, Renards, cappuccinae, Brian O'Driscoll, Katy fucking French. Broke it. Broke it.

The Lillies Leopard of our economic boom broke it and turned it into the Hitler Youth of the Sunday Independent. The first Boyzone cover made me die a little inside.

And look at it now! Muck. There's some bird called Lady Gaga on the front. She's like a Blondie for the recession generation, kids, and aren't we the lucky ones to have been granted an audience? Bollocks.

The Mad Hatters Box. A TV presenter called Mark Noble (not the moderately talented West Ham footballer) takes on the questionnaire.

His favourite food? 'Anything from The Troc,' he writes. The fucking Troc? Trocadero? Yeah, that's it loike, but you know me and the goys call it The Troc and they do, loike, a SERIOUS halibut on the pre-theeter menu. Loike.


Then you have Anne Sexton telling us, her frigid little playthings of vicariousness, how to have sex.

'With a sinking feeling I looked in the mirror. My chin was sporting a lovely red patch about the size of a euro and as subtle as a traffic light. Hello, beard rash, my old friend.'

I need to gather myself a minute.


If I find the whole thing so distasteful I ought to spend my €3.50 elsewise, you may say. In my defence I've weaned myself down to about four issues a year and to paraphrase Armin Tamsarian, I'm only in here looking for a way out of here.


adogwoof said...

Yeah, I'd sooner see you wearing a Hot Dress than reading Hot Press any day...Happy V Day Radge

Twenty Major said...

His favourite food? 'Anything from The Troc,' he writes

I'd love the chef in The Troc to serve him a shit sandwich with spunk dressing.

Favourite that, arsehole.

Radge said...

Good to know someone else had a 'nails on blackboard' moment with that, Twenty.

Darragh said...

My first experience with Hot Press was through the personal ads at the back, some offering "services". My innocent culchie naivety couldn't comprehend their inclusion so I would buy it regularly just to be shocked and appalled every time.

That and the back of the Buy and Sell have a lot to answer for.

I never rang. Doesn't mean I didn't want to.

Terence McDanger said...

There was a spoof column in it about 15 years ago, a mock newspaper called the Border Facist. My home town got mentioned in it. Gave me a good laugh.

Just the once, mind.

Sarah Gostrangely said...

Disgusting, agreed.

But that's Irish media for you.


Radge said...

Darragh - Many's the time I've had my dialling wand balanced over the... OK I've almost said too much.

Terence - I have vague recollection of same. Name rings a bell.

Sarah - Woof.

Anonymous said...

"the Hitler Youth of the Sunday Independent"

Ah, now that has put a smile on my face this evening.

Problem is Radge, they'd see that as a badge of honour.

Holemaster said...

I smoked a joint out the window of the Hot Press office.

Radge said...

Gray - regrettably so.

Holemaster - quite.

Conan Drumm said...

It's been a (just about) Tepid Press for many years.

Trevor32A said...

"Tepid Press"

Oh, I get that. That's meant to be a joke of some kind.....referring to how "Hot" Press is now....well....tepid. Very smrt. I mean smart.

Radge said...

Trevor - Write a blog if your so smrt.

Trevor32A said...

It's y.o.u(apostrophe)r.e - ya thick shithead!

Conan Drumm said...

Actually Trevor32A, it's a comment on how even the pretense of having a radical take on the world disappeared long ago from that particular publication. It was a short journey during the course of which the expression 'sell-out' ceased to be a negative and became a positive.

Now take that apostrophe out of your arse and scratch yourself with it.