Monday, January 26, 2009

Apparently a small victory.

...or I could tell you about the April Fool's Day prank to beat all pranks, back in 2004 it was.

The previous week we'd all gone drinking, though I can't remember who the 'all' were at almost five year's remove. All I know is 5X was there, in the Corner Stone, and he was getting very chatty with the girl I keened for, back in that weather. Let's call her 'Gillian', for that is her name to this day.

They were getting very friendly and I was doing my best 'pretend not to give a shit but secretly die a little inside' impression. Whatever way my barren spell falls now, it was much worse back then. I was petrified of getting laid.

They talked, got closer, talked, got closer, kissed. "Fuck." Kissed. "The cunt," I thought, "the all powerful, all-confident, all consuming cunt," I thought.

I stropped out with too much beer taken, and he followed me out on to the stairs.

"I'm really sorry, man, look, it won't happen again."

"Go fuck yourself."

"Hit me, go on, it's grand. Hit me a dig. You'll feel better."

I fled home, pissed off, drunk, pissed off, drunk.

- - -

The next day came. Ireful fucking hangover but there was a match on the telly in County Lucan so we took to the beer, myself and Johnny and Owen. My phone rang, it was a Setanta number.

"Hello."

"Alright Radge, look man, sorry again for last night."

"Fuck it, it's ok. It's my own fault. I should have made a move ages ago."

I was, in fact, ok with it. Sobriety loaned me some perspective, these things happen, not worth falling out with a mate over.

That was all grand, I started drinking, all forgotten. Then a text from 5X.

'So now that everything's cool, can I have her number?'

I could only laugh at the audacity of the man. Pure fucking cheek.

'Get to fuck...' I responded, and he wrote back 'fair enough.'

Then I got to thinking. Then I got to thinking. He doesn't have Johnny's number. This could be... Yes... Brilliant.

About an hour later I texted him back, saying I was being childish, and he could have her number after all. It didn't take him five minutes before Johnny's phone beeped, him thinking he was on for the ride and wanting to set up a date.

For the following week Johnny would regale me with 5X's flirtings, all the while I'd go into work and ask the man himself for progress reports.

- - -

The 'date' was set for April 1st, by sheer coincidence. Johnny had erased his voice message and put Private Number on his phone, and it was all done in text. All coming together.

I walked along Townsend Street and made out 5X's strutting frame in the distance, all leather jacket and cocksuredness as he entered The Long Stone. All coming together.

I met Johnny to discuss tactics in MacTurcaills, a quick pint, then in.

We scoured the downstairs of the Long Stone and there was no sign of 5X.

We walked up the stairs, knowing our prey was about to get a right fucking land, this was going to be pure gold.

We appeared in front of him. He was reading the Herald. He looked at us, looked at his paper again, looked up and down, and said very very quietly, "I knew it was ye cunts. I knew it was ye cunts."

- - -

I got the man a pint, it was 1-1, he paid tribute to our cunning but as the pints turned to many, his calm diminished and diminished until it was no more.

He got as close to violence against me as was possible in Mahaffy's, we were jarred, but instead of my chin it was my phone that took the charge, hurled as it was to the ground in a fit of tumultuous pique.

"ALL I WANTED WAS MY FUCKIN' HOLE! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

I understood perfectly.

31 comments:

adogwoof said...

cruel, very cruel

Radge said...

AG - He started it.

adogwoof said...

your phone Radge! how cruel of him to do that to the Radgery mobile! that's what I meant...!!!!!

Susan said...

Oh GORGEOUS, I loved this. Well deserved! "Let's call her 'Gillian', for that is her name to this day." is a line to die for, IMHO. Thanks for the laugh!

Radge said...

AG - AH.

Susan - Very kind!

Dot-Com said...

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! Did he ever get you back for that one?

Radge said...

No, Dot. He's still plotting.

Kath Lockett said...

Very deserved, especially if that's the way he thought of 'her' at the very end.

Radge said...

Thanks Kath, but I think we'll have to forgive him his drunken utterances!

Spudley said...

I'd have snapped your back in three if I thought I was off out on a date and you two cunts showed up!!

Radge said...

Spudley - There were actually four of us, victim included, so safety in numbers.

Holemaster said...

You know you have a good mate when you can do that to him.

red leeroy said...

brilliant stuff Radge you bastard,but I agree you had to get him though as he had to have known you were keen. Was there ever a follow up date for him ?

hope said...

Creative, aren't you? ;)

Darragh said...

Brilliant. Deservedly wicked. The end by far justified the means. *Hat tipped**

(*If I wore a hat. I don't.)

the broken down barman said...

love it big man!!!!!
magic

Sarah Gostrangely said...

Haahahahahahahaaa.

Radge said...

Holemaster - Drunken tantrum aside, he took it well.

Red - Nah, but he did just fine without one.

Hope - On my better days.

Darragh - I threw my hat long ago. Cheers!

Barman - Cheers.

Sarah - Ha.

Conan Drumm said...

Absolutely hilarious!

But - getting a mite philosophical about it - that's a very laddish crowd you're running with, and not conducive to successful amorosity with the lovely Gillians of this world.

Radge said...

I see your point Conan. That being said, four years have passed and two of our quartet are now married.

5X is living in Paris and loving it, and I... well... just keep writing, I suppose.

swiss said...

i have to say i'm with conan on this one radge even if by sheer luck or coincidence (and don't think i'm not staggered by the conservatideness!) ntwo of your number are married

it's almost inconceivable to me that living in their heartland you can't charm one with your manly wiles. that said, i recognise that sometimes when you live in a place familiarity causes problems.

me, i love the irish woman in all her guises so when i think of her i do not think of 'getting my hole' but this
a woman's beauty is like a white

it's true, i am that much of a wanker...

Kitty Cat said...

Ouch, some scald! My fella and some of his mates pulled a stunt a bit like that last Friday, getting a girl one of the lads had spotted to come over and hand him her "number" (ie, one of his mates' numbers) but when he texted it thinking he was shit cool they showed him which phone it actually went to. Kind of a funsize Mars version of your prank! Boys...

Radge said...

'it's almost inconceivable to me that living in their heartland you can't charm one with your manly wiles.'

Not sure I follow that part, Swiss...

Radge said...

Kitty Cat - But equally well conceived, I reckon.

Terence McDanger said...

It'll never be topped.

I tell this story in your honour Radge, to many of my friends, and now they speak of you in hushed and reverential tones, and also, no little little fear that someday you will catch up with them too and reduce them to pride's rubble in such a masterly swoop.

You're some hoor.

Elmo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Radge said...

Terence - Time has turned me into a far nicer person, no?

narocroc said...

Should've given him Old Hillary from McGowan's number. That'd learn him real good!

B said...

He walked straight into that in fairness

Gypseysdog said...

Hi folks. I realise I come off a bit badly here. But rest assured, I'm an even bigger cunt than you might think and fully deserved that one. With that being said, I had always tried to nurture and instruct Radge in the ways of treachery, deceit and falsehoodwinkery so it was a cathartic moment when the pupil finally overthrew the one who thought, foolishly he was the master. Just like in hit 1986 film Highlander starring Christopher Lambert where he eventually shows Sean Connery who the true swordsman is after minutes of arduous on-screen training. My beret was, and remains eternally off to you Radge, my life partner.

Radge said...

Narocroc - Where were you when I needed you?

B - He drank straight into it, more like.

5X - I thought I sensed a heightening in your estimation of me after that. Good to have it confirmed.