People of Ireland, first of all let me say what an honour it is to be chosen to lead this great state into what will be difficult times. We will be tested by the current economic environment, we will need to make sacrifices, and we will be forced to write the wrongs of the past to go forward into a future filled with promise.
Challenges must be met but they. will. be. met.
These challenges will be fierce, we need to be strong, but let me tell you this - I will see to it that rugby will be obliterated from our beautiful before my time is up.
No more abbreviations of privately schooled players' names from Clontarf.
No more George Hook.
No MORE Heineken Cup hysteria.
No MORE RUCKS. SCRUMS. KIELY'S. CHINOS. BANDWAGON JUMPING. MEALY MOUTHED CUNTS TALKING OF THE RUGGER.
NO. MORE. RUGBY!!!
(Pauses for applause)
The road will be long, it will be tough, but together we can reinstitute the League of Ireland as the NATIONAL OBSESSION OF CHOICE!!!
(Pauses for cough in the audience)
Moving on, I have instructed my staff to come up with a ten-point plan to abolish RTE. With a little luck and great perseverence we can consign to the history books such detritus as 'The Big Bow Wow,' as 'Nighthawks,' as 'Tubridy Tonight,' 'Ryan Confidential' and 'Fair City'. RTE's raping of our airwaves will be consigned to the past. Repeat after me - fuck Pat Kenny.
('FUCK PAT KENNY! FUCK PAT KENNY!')
Thank you. Thank you.
This brings me to the final part of my speech, my mandate, my reason for being in this job, and I can tell you now that I have delivered. My aides have just informed me that Amanda Brunker has been isolated and taken to a secure location somewhere between Naas and Athy. It will be my great pleasure to confront the great cancer of our society tomorrow and bear witness to her all too timely demise by dint of firing squad.
This is the reason you have elected me your leader, this is why I am here, this is why I am staying until Ireland, my country, is rid of these odious examples of rectile cuntitude.
I will not rest until my job is complete, this is just the beginning. God bless you all.
(Pauses to hear someone say, 'sorry boss, didn't catch that last bit')