Friday, January 23, 2009

Inauguration (we're still on that)

People of Ireland, first of all let me say what an honour it is to be chosen to lead this great state into what will be difficult times. We will be tested by the current economic environment, we will need to make sacrifices, and we will be forced to write the wrongs of the past to go forward into a future filled with promise.

Challenges must be met but they. will. be. met.

These challenges will be fierce, we need to be strong, but let me tell you this - I will see to it that rugby will be obliterated from our beautiful before my time is up.

No more abbreviations of privately schooled players' names from Clontarf.

No more George Hook.

No MORE Heineken Cup hysteria.

No MORE RUCKS. SCRUMS. KIELY'S. CHINOS. BANDWAGON JUMPING. MEALY MOUTHED CUNTS TALKING OF THE RUGGER.

NO. MORE. RUGBY!!!

(Pauses for applause)

The road will be long, it will be tough, but together we can reinstitute the League of Ireland as the NATIONAL OBSESSION OF CHOICE!!!

(Pauses for cough in the audience)

Moving on, I have instructed my staff to come up with a ten-point plan to abolish RTE. With a little luck and great perseverence we can consign to the history books such detritus as 'The Big Bow Wow,' as 'Nighthawks,' as 'Tubridy Tonight,' 'Ryan Confidential' and 'Fair City'. RTE's raping of our airwaves will be consigned to the past. Repeat after me - fuck Pat Kenny.

('FUCK PAT KENNY! FUCK PAT KENNY!')

Thank you. Thank you.

This brings me to the final part of my speech, my mandate, my reason for being in this job, and I can tell you now that I have delivered. My aides have just informed me that Amanda Brunker has been isolated and taken to a secure location somewhere between Naas and Athy. It will be my great pleasure to confront the great cancer of our society tomorrow and bear witness to her all too timely demise by dint of firing squad.

This is the reason you have elected me your leader, this is why I am here, this is why I am staying until Ireland, my country, is rid of these odious examples of rectile cuntitude.

I will not rest until my job is complete, this is just the beginning. God bless you all.

(Pauses to hear someone say, 'sorry boss, didn't catch that last bit')

10 comments:

Gypseysdog said...

God can stick it up his non-existent ass.

Good speech though, I'd vote for you if you really could annihilate rugby.

Holemaster said...

Can you get rid of selfish bastards who sneak up the left turning lane on Fitwilliam street and instead of turning left onto Leeson St. bridge, go straight onto Adelaide Road, cutting in front the honest people who took their turn queueing in the straight ahead lane? If you could that, you have my vote.

Radge said...

5X - give me time.

Holemaster - Cars are out. Vote Tommy Corn!

Terence McDanger said...

Oh you pushed a Terence button playing the Brunker card! Oh yes siree!

Can I be Pinky to your Brain?

Kath Lockett said...

...while you're at it, annihlate SOCCER as well as Australian Rules Football, so we can all get our tellies and husbands back, ok?

B said...

I'll defend Pat kenny with my life til you get rid of Gerry Ryan, Joe Duffy, Ryan Tubridy, Lucy Kennedy, the Seoighes... first.


...not Dave Fanning or John Kelly though, and probably a few others I've forgotten.

Radge said...

John Kelly can stay. Just about.

narocroc said...

May I suggest a lie down perhaps Radge?!?

Radge said...

Sounds like something I could use, Narocroc.

Dot-Com said...

*lol* Excellent agenda, Radge. Excellent!