Friday, January 09, 2009

Apparently another dating mishap.

She wrote good mails, did Gemma. She amused me for her lack of textese and tales of her Polish roommate, who stole crisps that didn't belong to her and fiddled with herself openly.

I agreed to meet her, fearing this one could turn into something.

There's 'how wrong can a man be?' and then there was Gemma.

She was late, I was stood outside Tower Records like a spare prick before someone who could, might, be her roved into view. It wasn't her. The pattern repeated itself until she was in front of my face while I was busy composing a Plan B text message, and we headed for Dakota.

She was drinking vodka and white and I was on the pints. This was before the days where I learned a pre-date sup was the way to go, so I was nervous, sweating and dying for a piss.

I left the drinks at the table and headed for the jacks, composed myself and walked back to the table affecting some sort of stupid swagger.

She had half her drink gone in the two minutes it took me to unzip, unleash and unwind.

Fair enough, I figured, she's nervous too. We chatted inanely about weddings and the Polish twat, who liked to masturbate furiously in the presense of hot leg wax.

(No, me neither.)

I was waiting for the ice to break. And waiting. And waiting. I got her in another drink even though I was only half-way through my pint, and waited. Nothing.

As happens with these things, when uncomfortable I try to switch on the funny, but no funny would come. Just her half-smirks and eye rolling, like she couldn't wait to be thrust in the face with a brick.

Christ, I thought, I'll have to get drunk. I'll have to get royally drunk.

The bar again. Me buying the drinks, again. A chaser for me. A 'cunt cocktail' for her.

She had showed up without a jacket, wearing a dark top and trousers that seemed not to allow for a purse or even a Laser card. She was one of those, not even an offer of a gargle for me.

Fuck that.

We talked about her family, her dog, her job, her exes, her experiences online. When I reciprocated, the eye-rolling and the distance-into-looking. Bitch.

Four pints and a whiskey in I'd had enough. I pretended my phone was vibrating.

"Sorry, I have to take this."

I turned away but made sure she could still hear me.

"You're what, Ollie.... Sorry, I can't... You're breaking up. OK I have you now.

"So, you're on a fucking disastrous date and you want me to come and save you? Let me think for a sec... Right. See you in twelve minutes at the appointed place."

I ended the call.

"I'm sorry about this. I have to go."

"I know. I heard. Bit of a cunt, aren't you?"

"I try to be. Enjoy your drink. Here's a tenner."

And I went to meet the lads in Mulligans.


prin said...

what was the ten for? you should've kept your money. when she said you're a bit of a cunt...omg, i might've gone off. i hope at the very least you rolled your eyes and looked off into the distance :)

Radge said...

Nah, I was very pleasant before I decided life was far too short. The tenner was derisory.

John Braine said...

"So, you're on a fucking disastrous date and you want me to come and save you? "

Ha! That's a stroke of genius that.

Anonymous said...

She sounds like a right ould pleb. Nicely done!

Radge said...

Anneelicious - she was a cock.

John - One of my more inspireder ideas.

Terence McDanger said...

Ohhhh I don't use the 'c word' very often, but she was cruel and no mistake.

She was a cunt as well by the sounds of it.

Dot-Com said...

Ahhhh - the "fun" of blind dating *lol* Nice escape!

the broken down barman said...

so glad my years of dating are by with!!!! hopefully never again. think a ten was a bit over the top. u should have left some loose change just lying on the table, or gone to the bar to get change of the tenner. thatg would have been more insulting

Rosie said...

cunt cocktail?

Radge said...

Terence - irredeemably so.

Dot - Plenty more where this came from. Some goods ones too, mind.

Barman - I was too hurried to be artful about it.

Rosie - her drink of choice, with an extra shot of obnoxiousness.

Spudley said...

Took some balls to invent a telephone call directly in front of the girl. Fair play.

Radge said...

Spudley - never again. There were mild pangs of guilt, then I remembered the things she did/said.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant. She sounds delightful alright!

I'm all for being the gent and buying the drinks etc but in this day and age I'm also all for d'ladies getting one in in reply out of politeness at least!

Holemaster said...

I was on blind date back in June and she was a lush big time but brilliant crack. Sadly though, She was also enormous.

Susan said...

My hero, again.

Every time I wonder if I should pack in this marriage of mine and hit the road, you come up with a story that reminds me to be grateful for life as a ball-and-chain. Thanks, for that.

I thought the tenner was an insult of the classiest and cuttingest sort; a masterpiece when following the phone 'conversation'. Loved it!

Sarah Gostrangely said...


You have class dude.

B said...

Hahaha! Brilliant.

How come I never stumbled across this blog til like a week ago?

What's the hot leg wax thing about though?

Radge said...

I never got an answer to that, B.

adogwoof said...

As for the cost of the drinks, well, it was just a SPLASH in the ocean IF you'd stuck around.
You totally misread the situation dude: Miss Pole and her were an item and you had been destined to be their toy for the evening!

hope said...

Points to the gentleman for his exit.

Standing ovation for the phone call and that line about a bad date. :)

Radge said...

Much obliged, Hope.

Darragh said...

Brilliant story, excellent ending. Dakota is an awful place for a date. Saying that, as I write this, I'm frantically trying to come up with somewhere that's better other than the old reliables of Le Cirk and the IFI...

Anyway, liking the recent posts :D

Radge said...

Cheers Darragh. Go with Bowes is my advice. Nice ale.

Conan Drumm said...

A close shave, so to speak, and worse than any of mine, back in the day.

I recommend coffee to start, and if you're enjoying the company move on to a pub. Otherwise after 30mins max you say you're on a personal speed-date mission and have four other women to meet before 10pm.

Radge said...

Conan - something to be kept in mind if I decide to venture forth again. It occurs to me I need some fresh stories.

--V-- said...

Wow. What an awesome evening...I would have escaped out a bathroom window or something. Mostly because I hate confrontation. And awkwardness. You're approach was nice too though...ballsy.