Thursday, December 04, 2008

Fuck off Beyonce...

Last night I got in a taxi. The taxi man refused to turn the radio down, and FM104 has never been my friend. Beyonce came on with her latest cynical attempt to divorce emotionally stunted young ones from their pocket money.

If I were a boy
(You're not. You're a dickhead)
Even just for a day
(You will always be a dickhead)
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
(...go on...)
And throw on what I wanted and go
(and subject my minions to drivel and shite)
Drink beer with the guys
(probably Budweiser)
And chase after girls
(they'd tell you to do one)
I’d kick it with who I wanted
(kick what? Be specific)
And I’d never get confronted for it
(you'd pay them off with your ill gotten gains)
Because they’d stick up for me
(Jesus, not sure how much more of this I can... OK... One more verse)

If I were a boy
(as opposed to a cunt. Oh, and please acquaint yourself with the first person singular)
I think I could understand
(kill me)
How it feels to love a girl
(this is fucking painful)
I swear I’d be a better man
(again, you're missing a comparative)
I’d listen to her
(fuck the tea. Maybe a Jameson)
Cause I know how it hurts
(...when you have to listen to shit like this on the radio)
When you lose the one you wanted
(for being a cunt)
Cause he’s taken you for granted
(being a complete tossbag is a burden. I'll give you that one)
And everything you had got destroyed
(including your Gucci handbasket?)

If I were a boy
(WAS! WAS a boy)
I would turn off my phone
(because women are incapable of mastering simple mobile technology? Bint)
Tell everyone it's broken
(you're a fucking liar too?)
So they think
(which you pay people to do for you)
that I was sleeping alone
(ah here... fuck this for a game of scarper)

= = = =

I could have gone on for four more verses, but once again I'm deciding on which nut to impale.


Catherine said...

Heh. You've been watching Screen Wipe, haven't you?

Radge said...

Hey Catherine...

I haven't actually, going to have to plead ignorance on that one. What's Screen Wipe?

Sounds to me like a bizarre coincidence.

Susan said...

First, sue the taxi driver. That's noise pollution, worse even than smoking.

Second, Conan the Grammarian approves of her "I were" phrasing, being past subjunctive and therefore appropriate in the lyric, as opposed to the simple past "I was". She's not a boy, (being an extraterrestial or something) so, subjunctive it must be.

I can only assume the stress of listening to such shite affected your Inner Grammarian temporarily. Sorry? (Will buy you a drink to help fix?)

hope said...

Be glad your EYES aren't being assaulted as well! She's a beautiful woman but in America she's currently on a t.v. commercial. Wearing a series of gaudy, gold miniskirts, she's gyrating as if she has some horrible itch while extolling us to "Upgrade, upgrade!" to a different satellite company.

I don't know which company because I keep changing the channel.

I feel your pain. In technicolor.

swiss said...

yes, what is it about rap/rnb 'stars' that they seem constantly affected with some form of cock/fanny rash? there are creams....

screen wipe. the episode you need to seen is this one

atarting about a minute in, tho it's worth watching the end of the previous part where the cast of brittania high are described as 'piss weasels' who live in a 'cunthive'. it's a times like these that i truly love the english language.

prin said...

haven't had much for her since she ditched destiny's child to go out on her own. but now with the "upgrade" commercial it's unbearable, especially for one who has been anxiously awaiting "Cadillac Records" which starts tomorrow. yep. i'm going to pay to watch her in a movie. kill me now.

the broken down barman said...

made me laugh from start to finish. never even heard the song and i pray to jebus that i never do.

think the gaudy miniskirts sound rather fetching, more than she normally wears any way.

think it must be some sort of std caught by shafting everyone that buys their crap. i mean by shafting everyshizzle that doezzels buys their jizzle or what ever snoopy dog dog would sizzle ya bizzle in da mizzle

red said...

yep, susan's right, beyonce's right, the correct grammatical form is if i were...sorry.

Sarah Gostrangely said...

Don't care two figs about grammatical terms when it comes to shocking song lyrics.

No doubt all in an attempt to "highlight" sexism in society...whilst gyrating wildly and sluttily, but it's ok...this one is for the laydees, male gaze firmly out of shot.

As if. Grr.

@ Swiss. Agree re: English language. Cunthive. What a beauty. I'm getting more and more excellent phrases through the blogging world. Thanks also to Andrew for "cuntgoblin".

Kath Lockett said...

If you think this song by her is bad (which it is) wait until you hear the 'song' (the term is used loosely) where she says, over and over, "If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it."

It's a crime against nature and all that's sacred that she is allowed to unleash what she considers 'music' and, miraculously, people buy it.

Radge said...

Susan - I'll forgive you, though you know out-pedanting the pedant brings a two drink minimum. And anger clouded my judgment.

Red - similar sentiment. You caught me in grammatical state of flux.

Swiss - what Sarah said, many times over.

Hope and Prin and Barman and Kath - Thanks for feeling my ire.

red leeroy said...

Good christ. Perhaps if she talked about having a cock it would be passable. I have not had the pleasure of hearing this yet, but I can assume its

Radge said...

Leeroy - I implore you to youtube it, if only so you can share in my pain.

swiss said...

with all this chat on rappers/screenwipe etc i feel it'd be churlish not to post a reminder of the greatness that is fur q

catherine said...

Charlie Brooker's tv show - he took Britannia High to pieces in similar fashion here. Hilarious.

red leeroy said...

radge, just watched it, yeah it's a total masterpiece.

masterpiece of hate.

Elmo said...

If I were a horse
Even just for the hay
I'd roll in faeces all morning
And throw on a saddle and go
Drink water with the guys
And chase all the fillies
I'd kick Radge in the bollocks
And I'd never get confronted for it
Because I'm a horse.....

(see your previous blog)

Radge said...

Elmo - where's my fucking birthday present?

Catherine and Leeroy - That's so funny I nearly spat.

Elmo said...

The song is your present.

You're welcome.

the broken down barman said...

just remembered this song by des'ree. think these must be among the worst lyrics ever. makes slipnot look like rabbie burns eh?

I'm afraid of the dark
Especially when I'm in the park
When there's no one else around
Oh I get the shivers
I don't wanna see a ghost
It's the sight that I fear most
I'd rather have a piece of toast
Watch the evening news

gimme a minute said...

I love that 'put a ring on it' song. Amazing dancing in the video too, all one take, don't you know.

I know too much about Beyoncé.

Radge said...

Barman - Life oh life oh life oh life of life oh fuck my keyboard is...

Gimme - I didn't. And you do.

Holemaster said...

I think you can only get FM104 in taxis, it's Moan-In Radio. Q102 is another one.

Beyonce has a great arse though.

the dublinista said...

It makes me want to put my fist through the screen and punch the extensions off her rich head. I'm yet to meet anyone that can grow pubic hair that thinks its a good song.

Radge said...

That's some nice vitriol, Dublinista.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Budweiser...

Why do all the Irish nationals over here drink it? I mean we're all out with them... we're TRYING to be as Irish as we can be ordering our Smithwicks etc etc... They're drinking Bud Light. WTF?