Thursday, November 27, 2008

Apparently Too Tall Elaine.

It was another date in a series, back when I flirted with such things as women and wine.

I reckon it must have been just over two years ago when I first came across her profile. I know this because I was using my sister Anne's laptop, while I stayed with her for the week that turned into three months.

We had the banter online, she was a nice sort and I enjoyed seeing her messages on the screen. She was a good bit younger than me, 21 or 22 I think, but she seemed to get it.

Seemed to get it.

After a few weeks I wanted to put a few drinks to the fake name, so I suggested meeting in town. She agreed. All well and good.

I was in the Stags when she cancelled. It was very short notice, I was a couple of hours from our date, but she said she couldn't go through with it.

I was relieved, it meant I could turn my couple of lip looseners into a fiesta of ale and codology. I was a bit vexed at the same time, not like I was proposing a lifetime commitment.

I didn't contact her for a while after that - no point when there were plenty of others to virtually connect with.

She texted me weeks later when I was back in the same seat in the Stags, in the same company, drinking myself to the same stupidity. Small talk, she said she was sick and needed looking after. I joked that I'd be right over with some Lemsip and a moist towel.

This went on and we agreed on another date. She promised she'd keep this one, that she'd acted like a schoolgirl the first time. "Very well, see you Wednesday so," I probably wrote back.

On the day itself my phone beeped. "I know this is a strange question," she wrote. "But what height are you?"

"5'7," I responded. "5'9" in heels."

"LOL. Just that I'm a bit taller. Is that a problem for you?"

I didn't care. I'm not easily intimidated.

Cut to later on and she showed up at Trinity. I was expecting an athletic six-footer with a testosterone overkill. What I got was a 5'5" banker with braces.

She remained convinced, however, that she was taller than me. She told me she wore runners to compensate. I thanked her profusely and thought she was a fool, but I didn't want to make the girl feel bad so I suggested the nearest pub where we could sit and she could dazzle me with her tedium.

So it passed. She spent the whole night talking about her teddy bears, about how much she loved her daddy, about how she found it hard to find men tall enough to match her. All five feet five inches of her.

I had sent her the link to Radgery.

"What did you think of the blog."

"Well, to be honest, I didn't get it. You use a lot of big words."

Oh Christ.

We went on inanely. She went on inanely, more to the point. I just thought of the most painful places I could needle myself in.

"The left bollock."

"Sorry?"

"Oh my apologies. I was thinking of a funny joke someone told me earlier."

"Heh heh, anyway, I sleep with 'Fluffy' but 'Bunny' stays in my handbag and guards my make-up."

"Wow. That must be... Wow."

I started talking about something or other and she interrupted me. She was picking a scab and looking confused.

"So, are you, like, really intelligent."

....

....

"Yes."

"It's just that I was with this fella once and he used a lot of big words but he wasn't very tall..."

"I have to go. Really sorry. But I'm about to get a text message from someone trying to save me."

"Eh?"

"Only joking, but it's getting late and I've an early start."

She collected her bag and we left the pub. As we were walking down Dame Street she hit me with it. She broke my fucking heart.

"Look, I'm really sorry, but I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now."

"That's fine."

"You're not pissed off with me?"

"Well, to be honest, I'm a bit disappointed but given time I'll get over the pain."

"Aw, honey, I really hope we see each other again as friends some time."

"Yeah, me t... TAXI!"

I sent her on her way, and never saw Apparently Too Tall Elaine again. A stone cold fox.

30 comments:

prin said...

i don't know how you kept your cool as long as you did. it makes you wonder how people like that ever make it to adulthood, surely they could have walked out in front of a truck in their oblivion beforehand. i've met lots of guys online. the first thing i do is send them to my blog and then ask them what they thought. depends on the answer if it goes any further. saves a lot of time and the general going back and forth.
oh, wonder who told her she was "really" tall...makes you wonder.

Kath Lockett said...

Bless......! At the very least, the mental pgymy (see the connection there, do ya Radge, huh, do ya?) gave you an entertaining blog article that made the rest of us laugh.

.... At her, not you.

red leeroy said...

Would have been good if you could have taken it as far as getting a photo of the teddy bears, that is blog gold right there.

Bank-Girl - "what the hell are you doing"

Radge - "ehh giving your teddys carnal knowledge of each other and taking photos on my nokia"

Bank-Girl - "Carnal?"

Elmo said...

She's only an inch taller than me! What a fucking idiot. Liked the bollock quote - why would the left one be more painful though?

Radge said...

I consider it a privilege to have met her Prin. I knew after her it could only get better.

I liked what you did there Kath, even if I can't begin to pronounce it, much as I've tried.

Red - a hearty laugh just rang around the flat here. That is comment gold right there.

Radge said...

Elmo, it's been like that ever since you kicked me in it as a child when I wouldn't do your homework for you.

You scarred me, you little shit.

Elmo said...

Liar.

I still remember when you threw my Barbie in the fire. Scarred me emotionally - forever!

...Maybe you should have done the same to fluffy. I think the bear deserved it.

Radge said...

I was just trying to warm her up for you.

Green Of Eye, Sharp Of Claw said...

Jaysus....i read the second half of that with a wince on my face! At least you were polite, i would have been up and running at the first mention of teddy bears. *Shudders*

Radge said...

I took out all my anger on several pints of stout very shortly afterwards, Green...

Andrew said...

Nice. I do all my dating in Coppers, so I find that lobbing the gob on them as soon as we've exchanged gropes solves that pesky issue of conversation-making.

your story did remind me a little of a conversation i had with a colleague who was castigating me for never using Bebo any more. I told her there was link to my blog on it so she could keep an eye on that if she wanted. She just said "Yeah, I had a look at that. I don't get it."
It had never occurred to me that there was anything to get.

Niamh B said...

Hope she's not still "reading" your blog!! Ok I admit it, it's me - just with a new fake name.
Actually - no, I take that back. It's not me at all, did I frighten ya though?

Radge said...

Andrew - it clearly didn't occur to her either. And Coppers? For shame! Only so many primary school teachers and bean gardai out there.

Niamh - Not for a second. You can spell.

Elmo said...

She couldn't spell - what were you thinking Radge?

Your the most pedantic person I know!

(Spot the error - I know you can't help yourself!)

Radge said...

Your an eejit.

Elmo said...

I know you really want to go back and correct your own spelling error. It will be bugging you all night. You'll be tossing and turning (mostly tossing) in bed all night, breaking out in cold sweats. You'll really want to correct your spelling mistake but you won't out of fear of proving me right.....eventually we will find you, alone in your flat, hobbled in a corner, unshaven, tubes of toothpaste strewn across the floor of your apartment in a fit of grammatical rage, mumbling over and over to yourself:
'I can spell, I know I can spell, it's Y O U apostrophe R E not
Y O U R. I know I can spell....'.

narocroc said...

I thought she hit you with her bag in the heart! I was disappointed when I re-read it!

Great post Radge. Sounds like a real bunny boiler alright.

Radge said...

There's some repetition in there. Specifically 'all night'. Also, you refer to my flat and my apartment in the same sentence. There is no need for the apartment reference.

This is all deflecting from the fact that you're funnier than me.

Radge said...

That would have been funny, Na Roc Roc. Something to distract me from the torture, even.

She texted me a couple of times after. That's a whole 'nother blog.

hope said...

I've determined two things from reading this: [1] you sir, are a gentleman and a scholar {oh just play along if you disagree} and [2] being a towering 5'1" myself, that's the funniest thing I've ever read. I promise to always look up to you. :)

I think after she mentioned it, if I were you, I might've had to ask for the phone number of one of the teddy bears. At least they didn't speak up and illustrate their lack of brain cells.

This is enough to make me glad I'm married.

Radge said...

And it's enough to make me glad I met her. At least I got a story out of it. Thanks Hope!

Sarah Gostrangely said...

Har har har Radge, had me chuckling no end here.

Sounds like a dream....are you telling me you DONT have a teddy bear to guard your make up?

Mr. Pinkie is the only one for my Max Factor.

Radge said...

Well, I have a GI Joe guarding my laundry basket, Sarah, but that's hardly comparable.

Susan said...

Just checked in with the Mister to let him know that after recently threatening divorce over the latest Birthday Fiasco....

I've er, changed my mind. Married's good.

You were a darling to put up with Long Tall Elaine as long as you did, says I (that, or too bored for your own good).

Do we have a prize here for Red's comment, btw? Spit my coffee.

the broken down barman said...

its amazing the way some people think about themselves. i know im not the best looking person in the world, but some of the complete mingers that frequent my bar are amazing. they think that a wonder bra and a bit of make up can turn them from king kong to helen of troy? they hang out all over the place, in shapes u could make dropping eggs from a cliff. i know that sounds shallow, but they are not even nice people. mingers whores and comic singers. u come for a pint in my boozer, youll see what i mean. an advertisment for euthanasia if ever youve seen one

the broken down barman said...

was just thinkin. wouldnt want any potential dates to read my blog. would have no chance of meeting them

Radge said...

Barman - I can relate. The fear always kicks in.

Susan - I'm drunk for the first time in a month, so will have to delve deeper on your first comment in a sober state. As for Red, he is a champ in my eyes. Bed now.

Holemaster said...

Oh the woman who loves her Daddy, bad news. Daddy this and Daddy that. Avoid at all costs.

I was seeing a girl once and was cooking scrambled eggs one morning when she started to tell me about her Dad's famous scrambled eggs that nobody has ever surpassed.

That was the last day I saw her.

Radge said...

Try telling them they have everything in common with their mothers, as that always goes down well.

Gray Wright said...

I once had a situation too Radge, perfectly lovely girl in every way. Beautiful, smart, successful, liked me for some bizarre reason, except that she didn't get blogging.

At all.

And from there I knew it was never going to work.