I'm getting together the new world order. The reason I'm doing this is to rid the world of stupidity, laziness of thought and Amanda Brunker*.
So without any further ado, the honours list.
Owen Cowzer - Minister For Drink:
A very important brief. I've admired Cowzer over the years for his increasing tolerance of liquor. The man can, I admit it, out-drink me and his position on the cabinet is very much tied in with his ability to keep the libations coming to his imperial conqueror - me.
John Fitzpatrick - Minister For Dog's Abuse:
Let's admit it, nobody hands down justice like Johnny. I will call on him to perform the "frowning of a lifetime" when the chickenheads try to rule the roost. He'll also run down a chav for no added charge.
Kevin Murphy - Minister For Groping:
No better man for this particular office. CRINGE as Kev makes yet another drunken fumble for the nearest piece of action. WINCE as his advances are met by a stern slap to the face. SYMPATHISE as he asks "where did it all go wrong, Radge? WHERE?"
Julianne McKeigue - Minister For Laughter:
Julianne has performed admirably in the laughter stakes for some time now. Belly laughs, sarcastic laughs, nervous laughs - the girl can run the whole gamut of mirth.
David Maher - Minister For Games:
Whether it's games of the heart, games of chance or games of Bumperball, David is king at trickery. Like trying to pick up mercury with a fork, David is a tough man to second guess. A political bulldog who, ironically, doesn't play games when it comes to the truth.
Finbar Brady - Minister For Smithwicks With A Guinness Head:
Tipple of the stars, there's no better man to dispense the aul black and tan than Finbar, an experienced ale drinkist.
Brian Kenny - Minister For Foreign Affairs:
Brian will be heading up our German office, scouring the fields of Frankfurt town to bring the ideals of the Radge Party to the Rhineland.
5X - Consiglieri:
Derek '5X' Fennell will be my right-hand man as I endeavour to rid this land of depression, disappointment and dismay. A seasoned thinker who's been pitching for a chomp at the big banana for some time now. A man whose time is imminent, he'll be head honcho one day.
More appointments will come as I see fit.